Christmas was Christmas but I felt as lonely as ever

So Christmas is supposed to be a time where we're all thankful, surrounded by family, have that warm and fuzzy feeling right? Well how come I felt so alone on Christmas day even though I was with family?

Ever since coming back from Thailand (9th December 2023), I've felt this feeling of being lonely, not wanted. I first thought it was holiday blues but I feel its something more than that. Coming back to a 3 bed semi detached house and being the sole occupant has never really bothered me until very recent.

I think being single now is taking its toll on me.

Inside on Christmas day at my sisters, I basically held in tears and they weren't tears of joy. Couldn't hug my mum or my sister for fear of it all coming out.

Is being single a choice? Yeah I guess you could say that, but also its my own fault as I don't dedicate time to actually find someone. In between working long work hours, now going to the gym at hilariously bad times (midnight while 3am), going back to my hometown to check up on my mum, Its harder than you think to try and find someone. Something has to give sooner or later.

I'm not getting any younger (35 now), so I'm going to have to change something in life...Maybe a new years resolution?