I feel..strange

So it's been a while. There's so much to update but honestly, I just haven't been bothered to do it. I don't really care if there's an audience out there reading these blogs, its more to get my thoughts out of my head.

So I guess lets start from the top

It's "indifferent". I've found a way to cope through work on the day to day by going to the gym which I feel great for and I'm seeing a difference in myself for but I know deep down I'm being targetted at work. My boss is about as non stick as a teflon pan, 2 years into his tenure still not really knowing anyhing tech and never is responsible for anything. I know the bloke hates me, he won't admit it but you just know everyone knows. I don't feel this is a cry for help, I feel I just have to get my fustrations out.

I'm about to hit a pay cap at work soon which means apparently I won't get any more pay rises. When this happens, I will want a formal letter from HR confirming this is the case as I don't believe him one bit. Maybe this makes me feel indifferent. Or maybe its because I'm overlooked for some things. Now fair cop, I've said most of the time I'm too busy, which I am. I'm one of the top performing people on the team, I work over 40 hours extra a month in overtime (which I'm expecting that additional revenue to dissappear come end of the year) but it would be atleast nice to be acknowledged and say something like "I want to give it you but I can't because I'm afraid of burning you out"...Don't even get that.

Whilst it reads like I'm ripping into my manager (and too right, he fucking needs it), credit where its due, he's accomodated 5 weeks leave at the end of the year for me to go to Thailand to try and sort out my Thai Citizenship. That's an absolute nightmare in its own right. I'm hoping I get it sorted by then but part of me deep down isn't expecting to. I just see more red tape put in my way. I'm hoping my Thai popularity and mum knowing most of the village can help push it through.

Going back to work, I'm wasting away. I know I am. Won't give me study time in office hours. Wouldn't even give me 3 days a week to learn a new product with a colleague yet affords everyone else 1 day or even 2 days a week to learn with him. Whats infuriated me more is that he then has the cheek to put in and say I refused to take it on. I didn't fucking refused. You refused to accomodate my learning requirements!. Apparently also I don't know about the goings on in the business. I know more than fucking him!

You know, I often joke to myself asking what that is. I mean for example my Mon-Fri looks like this.

9am-5pm Work

5pm-7pm sleep

7pm-8pm food

8pm-9pm Firmware testing

9pm-11pm Overtime

11pm-2am Gym

2am-7.45am Sleep

Tell me, is a way to live?

Now for all the intensity for that, I've lost weight. I use to weigh 17st. For a guy at 5ft 8" thats pretty heavy. I'm now around the 14st marker. Weight seemingly has stopped coming off but I do feel better overall. Example I've lost alot of weight in my face and most of my clothes now are way too big. Gone from an XXL to an XL (I still like my baggy stuff as I sweat alot). I feel the gym deserves its own section so I'll talk about that later.

I've now planted some potatoes again in containers. A different variety so we'll see how those pan out I guess. The great experiment this year is whether the sweet potatoes will grow. Now granted, we don't have the climate for it and its been pretty wet of late but I do wonder whether they will actually grow or not. Will be an interesting experiment for sure.

I've also got Rhubarb growing too this year again although the crop isn't as well as I was hoping which is a shame and the Strawberry plant has started to grow again. I'm hoping to get a crop out of them but I can't say I'm really looking after them so it's more hope than anything.

So I've been on 3 dates which has made be absolutely fucking convinced that I was born on the wrong continent

Date 1

She didn't show up. Wouldn't respond to any messages after. Shrugged it off.

Date 2

Everything was going fine, we went out to dinner together, she picked the place and it was going fine until her ex came in with a woman on his arm and she straight away just got the heebie jeebies and made a b-line for the womans toilets...after that I never saw her. She ran out. I ended up paying for 2 meals and very awkward at the restauran but what am I supposed to do? Again not returned any of my messages or calls since.

Date 3

Car crash. Just wasn't what I expected at all. Both agreed after it wasn't going to work and lef it at that. Atleast she was kind enough to have a conversation after about it.

Now I know I'm not the easiest to talk to but still it was hard enough to ask someone out but I feel like I'm enduring pushinment.

In the UK I don't get a 2nd look at by women but in Asia I'm a celebrity and get my pick. Now more than ever I feel like I was born on the wrong continent. I'm approaching 36, I have my shit in order but yet can't find the right person. It's not for a lack of trying. Just need some luck man.

I remember actually first starting out at JD Gym in Burnley in July. I actually had bougtht the subscription in March but never actually went through the door. I met a guy called Ali at night around midnight who was casually working out and I asked him how hes in such good shape. He didn't really give me any advice but more the encouragement to build a routine and it will eventually come off. He was right, its been really hard work but after weighing over 17st at 35 to now weighing around 14st at almost 36 feels like a masisve difference.

I've always been good at cardio for as long as I can remember. I remember back at my secondary school days playing football and I'd come into classes sweating like fuck embarassing but I was working hard. When I got my first job weight management just really went down hill. Sure I tried doing park runs and doing a 5k within 35 mins was pretty impressive 10 yeasrs ago but I never felt great. I'm now doing cardio 5/6 days a week now amd I recently hit 6.22 miles ran inside 30 mins. its really hard and really taxing but combimed with the cross trainer and weights, the weight really had dropped off me. Here's a pic below and you can see yourself

Looking at those comparisons myself right now, I should feel proud right? but for some reason I feel empty inside. I dunno why, I just do.

What's keeping me going? Well....friends I've made at the gym have helped. Whilst they won't do cardio with me (massive shame as I need a partner for that), the subtle encouragement and postive signs do help. To do an hours cardio can understanably get boring. How do I cope with it?, this video below on a loop usually.

Now hear me out. If a bloke in his 60's can do cardio, why can't I over half his age not do it either? the tempo of the theme tune seems to go well with the video and the scenes and its helped me reach quick speeds although sustaining it seems to be difficult at present. Tom Cruise I salute you! you're helping me atleast!

So all in all, I do feel a strange about things going off in life. I think its maybe more down to things happening in the work space more than personal life but of late it has played on my mind. I'm trying to shrug it off best i can and I feel if I don't go to the gym I struggle mentally at work to keep on point. They say money doesn't necessarily make people feel any happier. I think quitting my job and maybe helping some others quit too would certainly make me feel better. One can only hope eh? I guess its time to also do a financial update too...